She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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