I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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