She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
