it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's never too late to be topless.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
