Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
