drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
