I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
