Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
