I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
