seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
