she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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