Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
