There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
