did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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