Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
