Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
