matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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