is wine microwaveable?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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