she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
