hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
