Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
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