Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
