so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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