Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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