our cab driver is having phone sex.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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