Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
