Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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