I just saw a hot homeless man
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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