Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
