Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
