if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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