i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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