i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
