How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
