Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
