I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize