I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My life is pants optional.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
