I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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