i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
