Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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