one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
not ubering you a puppy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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