Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
