I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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