Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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