I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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