ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
