Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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