so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
