I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
