we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize