wanna go halves on a baby?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
