my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
