WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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