i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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