Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She bit a glass in half.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
