i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Randomize
