You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize