who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
