she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
