I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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