Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
