Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize